The day I almost became a Chips Funga
I am a very worried human being of undefined gender. The twins that reside at the junction of my left and right leg - the ones that neighbor the huge guy (am talking a whooping 20 millimetres ... but I suck at math) who likes giving standing ovation to ladies - have been shrinking these past few days. And more so at an alarming rate. They are currently rapidly approaching groundnut status after which they will go on to the pimple zone. As if that is not enough, my man card expired the other day and on going to renew it, they replaced it with one that reads HONORARY MEMBER in bold letters in a comic sans font. Yes, and there is a smiley at the end.
I blame my scarf.... and Assholanus - the god of ruining people's days
In the world we live in, when a girl stares at a guy, that is acceptable. When a guy stares at girl, that is also acceptable. When a girl stares at another girl, she is mostly jealous of what she is wearing or who she is with. When a guy stares at another guy, that starts bordering on creepy for a straight person like me. Except of course if he is staring because I got greens on my teeth (which happens too often for my liking btw. My teeth are the clingy type). At such a point, it would be totally understandable for him to stare. That is unless he offered to remove the greens for me ... with his tongue. And Assholanus possessed me into accepting the offer. And the twins, which by this time would have entered the pimple zone, popped. At that point, I wouldn't even have the balls to resist, literally.
Moving on ...
So a guy was staring at me in a club the other day and I did not have greens on my teeth. It got creepy when he decided to hit on me. He also decided being subtle was too mainstream and decided to grab the bull by the horns. Actually, make that grab the heifer by the scarf and as you may have guessed by now, I was the prized heifer. His cargo needed a parking spot and my rear quarters looked like the most likely destination. I was scared shitless (LOL! See what I did there, as if to suggest I was clearing the parking spot for him). At first I was unsure of his motives. He was staring at me from a distance like a prized catch. I was sitted at a corner and getting close to me was not easy, or so Assholanus led me to believe. He tried talking to me and I dismissed him because the situation was already AWKWARD. When he realized talking would not work, he decided to climb onto the lounge seats to get to me.
That is when shit hit the fan ... and Assholanus increased the fan speed
The sucker grabbed me by my scarf and pulled me towards him. I fought him off and managed to free myself and the scarf. However, I think the guy must have ridden the dry spell bus to the bar because he did not relent. He kept trying to pull me towards him by climbing on the lounge seats. It took a whole hour to get him off my case. Actually it was just five but an hour looks more dramatic. And the fear of having alien shafts take refuge in my rear quarters magnified the time ten fold. Finally, having realized he was not going to get lucky, he left.
Being a birthday gathering, you are of course wondering why my friends were not helping me. Well, the idiots were right there and they did nothing to help me. They were laughing too damn hard! And there I was feeling the twins that reside at the junction of my left and right leg - the ones that neighbor the huge guy (am talking a whooping 20 millimetres ... but I suck at math) who likes giving standing ovation to ladies - start shrinking.
But assholanus was not done ruining my day ...
Just when I thought the jokes and laughter was dying down, the sucker came back. With back up! He actually went outside and came with his friend to help him grab this heifer by the scarf! The good thing is, his friend was pretty much a chicken and so they left almost immedietely escorted by the thunderous laughter of the people I am stupid enough to call friends.
And now, I am a very worried human being of undefined gender. Twins shrinking, man card reading HONORARY and a scarf now stinking of Assholanus. I need a boost for my manhood now. Anyone out there to save me?
Over and out.
PS: Scarf for sale. Grabbed severally by an agent of assholanus but in otherwise good condition.