The Five Types of ANNOYING bedmates
I love my bed, a lot. So much so that I dont like sharing it. I also love my sleep and sleeping with someone else in the bed is always a problem for me because I do not want people disturbing my sleep. I need someone who sleeps like a baby - Um, scratch that - someone who sleeps like a grown up with some sleeping etiquette, if there is something like that. These people are not very easy to find. However, there are FIVE types of people who sleeping next to will bring out the worst in anyone.
1) Reincarnated Skunk
These people were skunks in an earlier life. They have a dedicated fart production plant up their pwani si kenya county of their productive system complete with a timer. The timer is to give you time to recover from the previous attacks to ensure you just suffer enough without dying. A few missiles and you will wake up scampering for fresh air as the bed will be smelling like the gaseous version of the maji maji rebellion.
The way to solve this problem is to give them two dutch ovens every morning. If you do not know what a dutch oven is, I would be happy to demonstrate - for ladies at least. Just buy me beans and boiled eggs two hours prior to the demo, then join me in bed.
2) The Chatterbox
You are sleepy as hell and cannot wait to get to bed. You get there and suddenly these breed of sleepers find an FM frequency full of uninteresting stories to tell you. And they go on and on and on and on. They also keep quiet for a few moments to mock your sleep and just when you are done thanking God for the silence, they start all over again. They discuss the weather, the dinner you just had, the shape of your nose, the ceiling, the darkness, anything!
Solution. Pretend you are turning and punch them hard enough on the head to knock them out.
3) The 5.1 Digital Sorround Sound Snore
By far the most annoying. When a person sleeping next to you snores, you become an instant idiot. How? Well, you wake them UP and ask them to stop snoring! That is the most stupid thing to do because they did not know they were snoring. There is no off switch. If they snore they snore. The moment they fall asleep again they will continue snoring. The snoring band in their nostrils wont get scared by you waking them up and requesting or demanding that the snoring activity is halted immediately.
Solution? Pepper up their nostrils. They wont sleep for a couple of hours during which you can catch a few winks of sleep.
4) Jackie Chang's Kins
This lot of people have watched too many kung-fu movies. As a result, they kick you at every turn. 11 o'clock you get slapped in the face as you turn, 1 o'clock you get an exploratory fist to your diaphragm and at four o'clock, your gonads get acquinted to their knees in a not-so-friendly fashion.
Solution? Go to bed with a spoon. At the right moment, introduce the spoon to their ankle bone using relative force. Relative here is relative to how hard they have hit you.
5) Please Hold me, Thank you.
There is that sleeper who was not held enough as a child. These are among the most annoying. They want your chest to be the pillow, your arm to go around them and their legs to complete the cage which you cannot get out of. You will get tired at one point and any attempt to free yourself leads to tightening of the grip. Soon enough you realize the futility and give in.
If they weigh a chunk of kilos more than you, please say Hail Mary before getting to bed.
Any that I have forgotten? Let me know in the comments area.
Over and out.