If Santa was a woman ...
We all know Santa. On second thought we DONT know Santa. We all know what we were told when we were younger. Then they had to shatter our beliefs by telling us he doesn't exist. So no one can claim to know this dude coz he he aint real. However considering how widely spread this fable is, lets consider a few things. First if that dude was to get married am sure the wedding vows would end in something like, you may kiss the beard. If he was a family man, christmas would be alittle different.
Now how different would be christmas if Santa was replaced by a Kenyan woman? Well I came up with a few points.
First thing to change would be the reindeers. Those would definately be replaced by reindonkeys of Limuru or maybe the reincamels of the northern frontier district.
The elfs would have to change their costumes coz that green is simply out. Oh, and they would have to go for Extreme Make-over to trim their long ears.
The suit..... Christ! That would go on day one. Now considering the many fashion lines around, she would be donning a Gikomba original, or a Muthurwa Market release. If she were younger of course she would be donning the latest from your local stall. (By the way go pay your debts if you are in the habit of carrying clothes on credit!)
Historically, Santa sneaks in gifts by getting in through the chimney. Now that would be a problem considering that most Kenyan women have a back side the size of Nyanza province. She would have to resort to other methods. Like knocking on the door.
People am sure would be spending most of the year praying she does not get mood swings on that day otherwise, she would come in saying Ho! Ho! Ho! then suddenly break down crying.
The world would be one mega gossip zone during christmas as she spreads gossip from Nyanza to Mount Kenya and the dirty on goings of K-street. Our MPs would then issue statements to negate they were ever in Koinange and if you dare ask the hookers if they slept with him, the hookers would of course say in unison, "Never again!"
Gifts would be really late. The make up, the change of clothing, the indecisiveness and the heels. By the time all preparations were done, it would be Valentines and instead of gifts we would get apology notes!
Now, have a merry christmas and if you see Santa in a Kitenge and a big headscarf this season, just smile and wave. Just make sure it isnt Orie Rogo Manduli you are confusing him with coz you may lose a few teeth.
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