Kiswahili is DAMN hard ...
They say its easier for a Camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Nairobian to speak correct Swahili. Am not talking about the broken swahili (more like broken and powdered really) that most of us Nairobians talk. Am talking about Kiswahili mufti. Kiswahili sanifu. Well, the moment the typical Nairobian lands in coast, the following rude shocks await them.
1) All the swahili you learnt in school was just theory. When you land in coast, you start the practicals.
2) Niaje ... is NOT an acceptable greeting. You say Niaje to someone and they gaze at you like they just caught you staring at virgin Mary's jugs!
3) Remember when your swahili teacher said those funny tanakali za sauti and misemo things you learnt in primary school and high school will come back to haunt you? He was right. I learnt that saying 'Akaanguka kwa maji kuuuu! .... is wrong. Wrong? SINCE WHEN?
4) Shukisha ... is NOT matatu-speak for being dropped off in coast. Bwaga is the word. I sure missed ngeli ya Bwa-ga in class.
5) If you use SHENG, you will most possibly look as stupid as Kibaki in Lucy's red dress and purple stockings. If swahili doesnt work with you, use English.
6) If some coastarian starts insulting you, you are dead. They are DAMN good at it. Open your mouth to answer and everyone will wonder which insult school you attended. How do you answer an insult like, 'Mbona wahara maneno ovyo ovyo. Na si umwombe Mola tako lingine uregeshe domo hilo lako?'
7) The punctuation marks in their swahili are difficult. I know fullstops, comas and exclamation marks. There you punctuate your sentense with Naomba, Pole, Shukrani, Tafadhali and other weird words. Guess the hookers from there feel like queens when you say, "Naomba ya mia mbili!"
We will however not discuss how a Luo will cope in swahililand. The moment they say kiswahili hapana iko sida, hapo iko sida! Have a swahiliful day now, Wont you?
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