Hookers & Mistresses Ltd profits down by 75%
Profits for Hookers & Mistresses Limited have slumped by 75% according to end of their 2010-2011 fiscal year results announced by the group CEO, Miss Tunauza Kumamoto. In a statement issued to the media, the company also saw a 60% drop in turn-over, mostly attributed to bend-over demand reduction compared to the previous year.
Key highlights of the results are as follows;
1) Customer deposits have continued their steady decline as seen in previous years. This was attributed to the increase in use of condoms hence reducing the customer-hooker deposit ratio.
2) The mistress division saw a slump in earnings especially in the mpango wa kando CDF earnings which was attributed to high inflation rates, discriminatory government regulations and Jimmy Gathu.
3) The anti-mpango wa Kando adverts have especially hit the division hard. The CEO had earlier proposed to the government to withdraw the adverts in return to have mpango wa Kando's bear a Ministry Of Health Warning like cigarretes and beer.
4) The proposed warning was - "Consumption of Mpango wa Kando can lead to HIV-AIDS and marriage break-ups" - to be printed on 25% surface of every garment belonging to the mpango but the ministry says that the warning is insufficient and has continued its anti-mpango wa kando adverts which has affected business.
5) The Oral services division however saw a rise in prices as consumers preferred the service due to its lower cost.
6) Home services division saw the worst return in earnings since the inception of the company. This was attributed to the newly started Chips Funga Services Limited where similar services are offered in a form of barter trade. The company offers Beer-And-Accomodation in return for Sex-and-cab-money.
7) The company could also not explain why although employees have however seen a rapid expansion in their "shops", this has not translated into the expected rise in earnings.
The management will now brace for a gruelling AGM (Anal & Genitals Meeting) later this month. To cool tempers at the AGM, they are expected to announce a rights issue where one hooker will be offered for every two held.