If Horror Movies Were Made In Kenya ...
Horror movies have such predictable plots nowadays. They have actually become a comedy because the audience goes to watch the ridicolous efforts by hollywood to scare them. But I think the horror industry can be saved. They should introduce some Kenyan behaviours to horror movies.
1) In horror movies, when there is a noise at night, the actors always go out to investigate. The Kenyan style is simple. Piga Nduru! That way when the neighbors come, you can find out together what was making the noise if at all there was anything.
2) When they go to investigate such noises in horror movies and (more often than not) find out it was a cat making the noise, the hollywood actors react with relief and mostly pick up the cat and fondle it. Not in Kenya. The beating the cat would receive for scaring the fella would have to be edited.
3) Ghosts and those scary monsters in horror movies hide in basements and attics. Well, bring them to Kenya. They will have to reinvent their hiding grounds because basements and attics are stuff a majority of Kenyans dont have.
4) The evil guy/demon/whatever does not die in Horror movies. The actors only shoot it once, stab it once or just hit it and run. Well not for Kenyans. He would get a second helping of a beating while the guy is screaming at the top of his voice for neighbors to come burn the baga alive.
5) Serial Killers in horror movies just pick the locks to people's houses. And Kenya would of course add a twist to this cliched way of doing things. They would have to learn how to break two padlocks that are on the inside part of the door, three metal latches and move the sofa supporting the door from inside. And they would have to do all this from the outside.
6) Horror movies have haunted houses with people suspected to be witches, demons or warlocks living there. If Kenyans suspect you of any of the above, you wouldn't even have time to plan your first kill. You would be busy planning your exit before they decide to torch your house hopefully with you inside.
7) Killers who target campers wait for them to go peeing in the bushes. And these characters in horror movies are dumb since they walk so far to just go and pee. Not in Kenya. We just tell people, angalieni nahuko nikojoe!
8) Vampires love drinking blood in horror movies. In Kenya, they would die if they drank blood from half our population. It has so much alcohol content the poor vampires would get drank, get caught and get burnt.
9) In western horror movies, when demons appear, people ran. In Kenya, the demons would get such a preaching and 'Katika Jina La Yesu' altercations they'd simply ran back to where they came from.
10) If any of the bad boys in horror movies are caught, the movie ends with police carrying the suspect off. In Kenya, the ending would be a speech that starts with, "My Mboys ..." and the very bad boys (also very dead) would all be shown on TV getting stacked into a landrover.
And that I believe would save hollywood from the predictable plots, dont you think so?
