Letter to self
Maybe I am late with this letter to self thing but since it#&039;s not a crime against intelligence, am going to do it. I am not sure at what age to send this letter at but it doesn#&039;t matter since the kind of letter I am doing is basically about almost my entire childhood; warning/advising myself as I go.
I don’t remember what year this is (you have issues with dates) but you are in class 6 and so far so good, your grades are fine, you have no issues with the monitors or the teachers; you are an okay pupil, however things are about to change, probably for the best. You have not been exposed to the world as much as you would like and when news reaches that you and the rest of the family are moving to Nairobi, you are more than anxious but cool it, you have no clue what sheng is and you are about to experience a lingual shock.
Still in class 6 but in a different school, KAMITI PRIMARY SCHOOL to be precise, yes it’s in the same compound that hosts KAMITI MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON. Just before you board a mathree for school, you have this misinformed notion that you’ll be sharing classes with the inmates; seriously dude how fucked up do you think the education system is? Shun that thought, NOW!
Did I mention that sheng is alien to you? Well brace yourself; your new friends are well versed in that shit and the more you listen to that shit the more you wanna speak that shit but not before you make a fool of yourself. The word manzi refers to a girl and using that word when referring to your mother will earn you the title fala (fool) for close to a month. How do you say that manzi yangu amenipea ganji ya lunch? That translated, means that you get your lunch money from your girlfriend, douche! But don’t worry, people understand you plus you are a quick learner and soon you will speak sheng like you invented it.
Soon after you settle in your new school, you will realize some girls are friendlier than the ones you were used to back in the village. Here the girls are sufficiently philanthropic with the cherry, if they want a little s’m behind the toilets, that’s exactly what they will ask for. Not directly though and that’s a reason for you to learn how to read the right sign for a rendezvous of mid riffs. Learn the signs and learn them fast, you’ll not be in Kamiti Prison for that long, you will be moving again!
You will start the second term of your seventh year in Primary School in another 8.4.4 institution. Don’t be tense about it, you have been in and around the city for long enough and you have almost adjusted to the manner in which Nairobi dwellers conduct themselves, or have you? Don’t be surprised when a class 8 girl (Janet, that name is hard to forget) hits on you. As you will learn, here girls are allowed to hit on boys and a boy is allowed to fit in the girl’s box. Simply put, that class 8 chiq wants to ride you like a rollercoaster! Later on you have to watch out for some quite embarrassing moments thanks to your beloved older almost girlfriend. She will be playing some game that requires her to have her fingers or legs crossed at all times. She will be busted with her fingers spread and her legs wide apart (not in the way you think) and the penalty for breaking the rules is she has to kiss a guy. That (un)lucky dude is you! She will walk out of her class and straight into your class and she will plant a very big kiss on you in full glare of your classmates. Here is the unlucky moment: After she kisses you, please quickly sit down on the nearest desk before the others spot the snake taking shape on your shorts! Yes, a hard on will make its presence felt and noted. That’s the problem with some snakes; they reveal themselves at the most inappropriate of times. Taming some reptiles is hard….!
The final year of your primary school is not as eventful as the seventh but still is worth mentioning. You have to muster the courage to pour your heart out to the girl you are so crazy about. Looking back at how she would smile at me, am certain that she wanted some of me too so go for it. MILCAH, if you are reading this, could you get back to me and tell me if you still have that fine ass, thank you. (I had to mention that ass, twas too fine.)
Your first year in high school is not very interesting; you’ll hate boarding school and I can’t blame you. You’ll be bullied and you’ll quit boarding and swear to never go back. That is a wise decision since you’ll meet the best English teacher there is in a day school. It’s there where you’ll learn how to write compositions like your life depended on it. However, at this day school you will meet a girl in form three and you ought to stay away from her at all costs. She is B.A.D bad. The list of “men” who have been in her is a mile long. I have a feeling that this advice might go unheeded; like a friend said, tell a man a girl is easy and of loose clit morals and he will still climb that tree like it’s overgrown with mouth watering apples!
NB (Note belittled): If you choose to ignore these wise words, remember, there are condoms cheaper than a litre of fuel; use them!
On a sad note, make a point of visiting a guy by the name of Lee. He is the only guy you could ever call a best friend. Get to know where he lives before he passes on. He won’t make it past Form 3; he dies of a brain complication and you only learn of this after the funeral.
All in all you’ll still grow up unscathed, you turn out to be a relatively normal guy but then again it depends on how you understand the term relative….!
