The Politicians Manual
So you've chosen to become a politician. On behalf of all who have been associated with politics, from the conception of communism to the dawn of democracy, we welcome you aboard this journey into unbridled power over the public.
The Politician's Manual is a basic guideline of our rules and regulations and will ease your entry into this new path you have wisely chosen to take. Having broken into politics means that you already have what it takes to do what you have to do in difficult situations. This manual will help you harness those skills and show you how to build iron fist authority and vast amounts of wealth the Politician way. The information in this manual has been accumulated through the ages, drawing from the experience of ruthless politicians and learning from the mistakes of unsuccessful campaigns. Treat this scripture as your own 21st century bible. Remember, no one outside of our political circles has ever read this manual and it must stay like that or we risk our way of life. You are now part of the elite group called the Politici. Pledge your allegiance.
Also remember, in this world, there are sheep. Then there are shepherds. We are the wolves.
The following are the ten commandments of our manual. Learn from these and employ their wisdom in your pursuit for power.
1) The Illusion of Democracy
Give people hope and you can string them along forever. Dangle a rope in front of a cat and it’ll play till it's tired. So you keep dangling more ropes until it's too tired to do anything. That's when you slay the curious cat. It’s human nature to want to be in control. So this is where we make the people think that they have the power. How do we do this? Well, it's quite simple and the structure is already in place due to the ingenuity of our progenitors. Quite simply, the entire voting system is a sham. We utilize the media to hype up the process of voting and we as the Politici encourage it as much as possible. Once a person votes, they feel as though they've done their part and are content. The person who is going to take over the abdicated position has already been chosen by the Politici community behind the scenes. So we let the public bicker and fight amongst themselves. It distracts them from what’s really going on. And hence, we fabricate an illusion of democracy.
2) The Currency of Corruption
Now, modern media and the social zeitgeist have people thinking corruption is a bad thing. If corruption were such a bad thing then it would have been eradicated from our culture a long time ago along with acts like burning witches at the stake. But it’s still around. And it's around for the simple reason that it makes things happen. Corruption is the lubrication that simplifies the transmission of everyday life. We, the Politici, live by the motto, "Why buy when you can bribe?" and it works wonders for us. In fact, the practice is so successful that we encourage our civil servants to take classes on how to be corrupt. Once they master the technique, we release them out into the public and let them perpetuate the industry of corruption because we have learned that people will pay to avoid problems.
3) Public Appearances
To appear in public is always a difficult job for a politician. We’d rather be sitting back in our mansions sipping whisky and laughing about the plight of the people. However, public appearances are just part of the job. They're necessary to build emotional capital within the masses and so there are three things you need to remember when appearing in public:
Always be overly patriotic – This always helps in rallying the deluded masses. There are many people out there who will follow blindly and those are the ones we must target because they're the ones with the public sway. The blind shall lead the enlightened because of the power of crowds.
Speak in riddles – Most people who attend political rallies are already so wound up that their anger clouds their ability to decipher incoherency. Because of this, you should speak in circles, going round the topic as much as possible. This serves two purposes, firstly to confuse the public and secondly, to make sure you don’t commit to a certain cause.
Maintain composure – Never look like you've lost control. Even if you’re giving them bullshit to swallow, do it with the confidence of a male stag surrounded by females in heat. Composure will assure the public that you’re authoritative enough to handle tough situations. Everyone’s looking for a leader. Play on that fact.
4) Dealing with the Meddling Media
Politics and the Media have always had a filthy sexual relationship which spawns little articles of entertainment for the public. Let's call it our dirty little secret. However, sometimes the bitch that the Media is can really bite back and so we have to be cautious and keep her happy at all times. This is where we pay her off with the Currency of Corruption and she stays silent on certain issues and amplifies the ones we want blown up. Although we're dictators, we must dip in democracy from time to time.
5) Hiring Prostitutes
Being a politician comes with many, many pressures. It’s the nature of the job we've undertaken. Waking up to lavish lifestyles day in day out is not something that can be done by everyone. It takes a certain amount of character to deal with the luxury we deal with and people quite simply don't understand that. To do this job, we need some sort of release. We need some kind of stress alleviation mechanisms. This is why we turn to prostitutes. Our policy on this is strict though. You are to follow these guidelines:
You are only allowed to have four prostitutes whom you can regular.You need to submit the names of your favourite prostitutes to our database so we don’t step on anyone’s toes. The prostitutes will need to be interviewed to see if they can conduct your extramarital affairs in private.
Don’t ever pay them. We’ve created a loophole in the financial system so that it’s the tax payers who are paying for your pleasure.
However, if you are to get caught in the act, we will, with immediate effect, employ the smoke screen contingency system we've created with the media to blur the facts. So don’t worry about that too much. Just enjoy yourself.
6) Drive a big car
Driving a big car goes with this job. Being a politician means having to move from place to place quite often. Since we need to do this, why not do it in comfort? Big cars also show authority and impress foreign dignitaries. When you are sworn in as a minister of parliament, your first task will be to go to a dealership and buy the biggest, most expensive car you can find because that’s how we roll. Don't worry about the cost. Again, this is taken care of via public taxes. Also, make sure to get your windows tinted. We wouldn’t want the filthy people on the streets outside to keep starting at you and asking for help.
7) Break the crowd
This is a vital point. To gain power, you must fragment the masses. Together they have too much power and so we must work out methods on how to break them apart. To do this you must play them against each other so that the focus does not land on you. You must use their class, their ethnicity, their color, their tribes, their religion, their consumerism, their materialistic tendencies and their hope against them. You must play the instigator from afar. Never allow them to see you pulling the strings. Use pawns to do your dirty work. Use defective pawns to instil fear and hate within the crowd. Then, like a modern day messiah, you come in and provide solutions to bring everyone back together under your vision. They'll love you for it. You'll be the bringer of peace. The joiner of cultures. Break the crowd to own the man.
8) Have Loose Morals
Loose morals are like striking gold in the business of politics. To be a true Politici, you must have morals as flexible as an Eastern European gymnast. Empathy is a clinical disease that spreads through the masses without a cure. Make sure you quarantine yourself from this and you’ll go far in this game. Just remember, the rewards more than outweigh the emotion you are giving up. Learn how to take advantage of the weak. Learn how to cheat the innocent. Learn how to manipulate the masses. Become guilt free.
9) Become a Shapeshifter
In politics, it pays to have no affiliations with any cause or group. You must morph into what the people want from one moment to the next. You must be able to shift your way through their wants and needs. Never committing to anything will absolve you from being held accountable for anything. It is a must that you must always remain composed and calculate your movements with manipulation and cunning. Remember, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. So don't go chasing after them. Or you’ll end up neck deep in shit.
10) Deny, deny, deny
As a politician, there will always be times where the public or some rogue journalist exposes you for something illegal you may have done. In such cases, remember to quite simply deny, deny and deny. If they ask if you’ve been entertaining prostitutes, deny. If they ask if you were part of a fraudulent syndicate, deny. If they ask whether you’re born of a human womb, deny. If you deny everything, you’ll leave them confused and unable to challenge your actions.
As a few last words, we hope that you use the knowledge in this manual to great effect and are able to make the society of the Politici very proud. When the time comes, you must forward the manual to your successor.
Good luck on your journey. We wish you well.
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