Shit My Dad Says ...
Twitter has the funniest of characters. And that I think is the reason Facebook's popularity is waning. And one such person is Justin who uses the handle @shitmydadsays. As the handle suggests, it is all about stuff that his dad says and here are my favourites.
1) "You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
2) I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem."
3) "Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
4) "He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."
5) "You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
6) "Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
7) “You seen my cell phone?...
What’s it look like?
Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
8) "Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."
9) "Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
10) "Universe is 14 BILLION years old. Seems silly to celebrate another new year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
11) "I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."
12) "Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
13) "Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
14) "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
15) "You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."