WTH is the dollar smoking?
The dollar and his new chips funga, the shilling, has everyone talking. The dollar is definitely smoking something illegal because no one can go that high on any legal stuff out there. And everyone is looking for an answer to the million dollar question. Why is the shilling/dollar rate going higher every day?
There are of course market forces and all that bullshit that will be fed to us by the so called "actual experts" but there is the inevitable Kenyan explanation to any problem which I will always stick to. If something is affecting the common man in Kenya and no one in government seems to give a hoot, someone with a huge belly (to make up for the small or absent balls) is benefiting. BIG TIME. And you can take that to the bank.
But exactly why is the shilling to dollar rate rising every day? Well, here are some of the bizzare explanations I could come up with.
1) Viagra. Someone gave the dollar viagra to screw our currency and did not expect the drug would give it such a raise. And unless it cums on our shilling soon, the rise will continue.
2) The dollar has been listening to Yves Le Rock's "Rise up" a little too much. If you stick a dollar near yor ear, you may hear it belt our the lyrics ... "My dream, is to fly, over the rainbow, so high"
3) The dollar drank Yokozuna and has no idea where its going. Hata makisima sitima, mataenderea kufanda.
4) Nowadays, everyone is claiming amepanda bei. The dollar is also following suit. Ikose ichekwe?
5) The dollar was having issues with the hot temperatures down here and being a foreigner, it asked a Science teacher for advice. And the bright teacher said, the Higher You Go, The Cooler it becomes. The dollar has been going higher since.
6) If we were to put it in layman's terms, I think wakigogoine would say the dollar is fed up with mu-climbano with the local currency and is returning high or put differently, dollar inarudi majuu.
7) Safaricom and KPLC are to blame. Dont ask me how but most of our problems center around these two so they must have something to do with this.
8) Someone showed the dollar a picture of a naked Esta Murugyi and Further Keyzeeto. It jumped up in shock and horror and has not been able to come back down.
9) Alternatively, the poor man of the cloth had issues with his manhood and after countless attempts to get an erection, he looked at the dick and said, I command thee to rise. Nothing happened to it. But the dollar stuck to his nuts started rising.
10) The dollar is high but the shilling is just drunk. And the dollar has taken advantage and fungad it for one forex night. She will be thrown out soon enough and do a walk of shame as she gets kicked out of the forex runda aka 100+ zone. She will then walk down the posh ninety neighborhood, take the bus through the mid-class eighty suburb until it gets back to the seventies ghetto where she belongs. Just wait and see.
So there you have it. Those are my ten bizzare reasons why the shilling is going up.