Visitors Guidebook: Driving On Our roads
Welcome to Kenyan roads. We love visitors and we would like to take this opportunity to take you through the basics of driving in this country.
Driving in Kenya is such a blissful experience. That is if you ignore all the other idiots on the road who would take forever and a day just to learn some basic courtesy on the road. Here in Kenya, we are also quite liberal when it comes to traffic rules. Actually, we just prefer to ignore all of them and create our own rules.
These are the most basic and most important.
RED - This light means you should drive faster before the lane gets blocked by the cars that actually have the right of way.
GREEN - If you are behind another car, this means HOOT. The louder and more annoying, the better. And if you can, lay your ass on the horn to enable stress free non-stop hooting.
If you are the very first car, this is the time to talk on the phone, tweet or display your incompetence in driving by doing something stupid to make the engine stop. That allows drivers behind you to follow the rules and hoot.
AMBER - Amber going on red? That means step on the gas more to get ready to follow rule for RED above.
Amber going on green? That means your hand should start hovering around the car horn very eager and ready to press the horn the moment the light hits green.
General Traffic Rules
-Overlapping is OK provided you are not the one who started it. After all, if the oncoming lane is empty and you are stuck in Jam, why sit there when the rest are overlapping? When you get stuck, hoot.
-If you are not overlapping, then overlapping cars have the right of way. Just make sure you hoot at them.
-If a car attempts to overtake, step on the gas. They are trying to challenge you. And hoot. It pisses them off.
- Zebra crossings are markings to break the monotony of the black surface to ensure you dont fall asleep. Just look out for pedestrians who assume its a road-crossing point. If you spot any, accelerate while hooting repeatedly.
-Dont give way. Not under any circumstance. Except may be for the occasional ambulance. And which - *hint hint*- you should follow so that it clears way for you. And hoot. That will help the very loud siren get heard.
-Public service vehicles have the right of way at all times. Trust me on this one. It will save you headaches and insults, and that is on a good day. Just remember to hoot as they pass.
-Splash water on pedestrians. They hate that. But it is your divine right as a driver to bathe the filthy pedestrians by force using dirty rain water. Its the only bath they get. And when they start yelling, they are just shouting a word to thank you. So hoot in acknowledgement.
-Safety Belts are to be worn when you spot a traffic cop. To avoid getting arrested that is. Kenyans are still looking for another use for them besides this one. However, if your belt is faulty and you spot a cop, just speed past him ... and hoot.
-Always double park. That shows everyone you have a big car.
-If you find someone properly parked, park behind them and go to away for some six odd hours. That is the Kenyan way of "protecting" their car.
-Business people also love it when you park right at their door and block all their wares.
-It is also important to remember to carry your laptop, phone, camera and other valuables when you leave your car in basement parkings to ensure they dont get stolen. That way, when you come back, you will only have to worry about replacing the smashed window the thieves hit only to find that there was actually nothing worth stealing.
Have a great time on Kenyan roads.
PS: Please keep a machete, club, whip or other crude weapon under the driver's seat. All Kenyan drivers do, and with good reason. It keeps the car warm.