The Hit And Run Terrorists
It had to happen. Al Shabaab threatened to bring the flames of war to Kenya if Nairobi did not withdraw its troops from Somalia. And now, sorry to say, we are shitting our pants all the way through extra time fearing that some of our body parts may decide to go solo courtesy of a bomb detonated by the terror gang. But before you give your pants a different color and some unwarranted moisture, lend me your ears.
Terrorists have always made people fear them because of one thing. Suicide bombers. This is because, as they say. there is no one more dangerous than a guy who has nothing to lose. And this does not come any bigger than a guy willing to give his life to kill you because the only way to stop him is to kill him. However, the teachers at the Al-Shabaab terrorist academy have introduced a parallel programme to run alongside the Suicide Bombing 101 if events of yesternight at Mwaura's is anything to go by. They are calling it the Hit and Run 101. A nickname or street name for it - if coined by the regular terrorists - would be cowardice 101.
Why now? Well ...
The guy who threw the grenade in the pub yesterday was one such fella and he must be the first graduate of this class. And among the things he has made me realize is that the suckers are actually afraid of dying. So while we are shitting our pants fearing that they may bomb us, they are shitting their pants that they dont get caught. And with good reasons.They must have heard that in Kenya every enemy of the public fears the police because the mboys are good at exchanging fire. The only thing these enemies of the public fear more than the police is the Kenyan public who have the crudest (and as inhuman as it may be, very effective) ways of dealing with law-breakers.
This is the reason why I think the hit and run terrorist chose to strike late at night, at a dingy back street joint way past legal drinking hours. He simply wanted to reduce the chances of meeting his maker. He knew there would be few, if any, policemen patrolling the streets. And for the escape, the streets would be clear of any Kenyans to chase him so he could safely run to his momma once the dirty deed is done. They must have learnt that the 72 virgins they are promised are a hoax (or may be male). Worse still, no one specified their species so they might be virgin animals. This presents a problem because the virgins were the key motivator to the young men because among the greatest unspoken fears regarding death in people is dying without ever having sex.
Due to this development, I think we are seeing an upgrade of the new age terrorist. From the death chanting suicide bomber who colors the entire street with his body organs and steel balls, to the coward who throws grenades into bars - hoping Bruno Mars is not having a date in the said bar - and runs for dear life.
Now the only problem with this kind of terrorist is they cannot survive if they dared to do that during the day. The now infamous "Huyoooo! Mwiziiiiiii!" will be employed with the mwizi substituted by Gaidi. And what will follow will make the Hit and Run terrorist wish they took Suicide Bombing 101 instead. The wrath of the Kenyan mob. They will be given a crash course on Mob Justice starting with Mawe 101, Weka Tyre 102, Ngumi za mjengo 104 among others. Very few survive such attacks. And those who do walk funny. Mostly with their hands because their legs are MIA.
Therefore, on this note my dear Hit and Run terrorist, keep running. If you are lucky, you will be served bullets by the Kenya Police. However, if Kenyans get you, you will have first hand experience of hearing your balls explode in a flame of fire as you burn courtesy of the unforgiving flame of an old tyre.