Confessions of my laptop bag ...
This morning I had breakfast with a friend of mine who likes (actually lets put it as thoroughly enjoys) taking cheap shots at me in vengeance of the many times that I have embarrased him. Infront of his friends if I may say so too. You see, whenever he does something dumb, I am normally relentless in making him feel like a total loser but today he pulled the mother of all shots at me.
We were having a business meeting at a coffee shop in Nairobi to discuss a few matters - and where I saw this very gorgeous woman if you ignore the hideous exotic furry animal perched on her head . That thing looked horrendous if I may digress a bit. My friend suggested that we tell her about the hideous animal on her head. We both however agreed that we did not want to freak her out. Or even risk a beating if it happened to be her pet. Or even worse, as much as it looked like a faint possibility, lose our teeth if it happened to be a weave. But I that is a story for another day.
Anyway, we soon enough went to the day's agenda and I had to show him a project of his that I am working on. So I reached into my laptop bag to get my laptop and as I was getting it from the bag, he saw that I had that small tub of vaseline in my bag.
Vaseline. You know among the things a man should not be caught with is Vaseline. And we have the many consumers of the product who enjoy stimulating their organs to thank for this. If you ever enter a guy's house, he is allowed to be holding anything - ANYTHING - except vaseline. And if he is holding vaseline, what follows is a long, silent and awkward moment that is followed by the guy denying that he was not doing what you are thinking.
Another example of this is if a lady comes to your house and for some reason asks to use your Vaseline. There is also that awkward moment that occurs when she opens the container and just before she taps on the jelly, she stops, looks closely, then pulls it closer and looks even more closely ... and then looks at you. At which point you also start vehemently denying and explaining that you do NOT use it for what she is thinking.
Ladies are immune to this issue except of course if you see one in the queue at the supermarket with a tub of Vaseline and sausages only. That is NOT a coincidence.
Back to today anyway. There I was, caught with a tub of vaseline in my laptop bag. My friend had this sinister half smile on his face. I could see the disbelief and mischief in his eyes as he stared at the vaseline and as his face coiled into that WTF gesture.
"Nooooooo! No. No.No... Dont go there ...," I started in protest.
"Seriously...," He said looking at me and with an obvious mischievous disbelief in his tone.
"You seriously cannot stay without that shameful habit of touching yourself inappropriately and repeatedly with jelly? You actually cannot wait until you get home? Dude, You need to get a girlfriend. I am ashamed of you man ..."
"It is for my lips you idiot. They can get a little dry sometimes..." I said in protest and to which he burst out laughing and, after pausing a moment to catch his breathe, he asked, "Dude, you have a vagina?"
There was nothing else I could say ...