No, I will not be hawking anything - Spon
Oval balls, sweating men and screaming women. No, its not a group of people doing the nasties am going on about here. Its the Safaricom sevens. And I will not be running across the pitch in my birthday suit with parts of me dancing more than others as suggested by one notorious neanderthal called @smusyoka.
That is something I would not dare do because as you may realize, catching a naked person is difficult because they have no clothes to hold. So to catch them, you have to hold onto organs that project out of the body. And my fear is someone would chase me and grab ... my .... Ummh ... hand ... and if I struggle, they may decide to grab the bull by the horn. Or - for lack of a better term - grab my vuvuzela. The scary part is the guy chasing me may be sick fella and he may decide to blow it.
Anyway, moving on swiftly ...
Again, no, I will not be hawking njugus, lollipops, crisps, mogoka and Big G as @smusyoka further suggests. I doubt I can hack that biashara. You see, hawkers have very many relatives who they rely on to buy their wares. You will realize this when you consider how many people they call siste and auntie on the streets - although I have to say these 'relatives' of theirs do not seem to like them very much. They ignore them sometimes or vehemently deny the insinuated relation. Shouts of, "Mimi nakaa sistako?" are very common.
Word of advice on that one. If someone calls you siste, the fun way of dealing with them is asking how everyone is fairing back home. Ask about the neighbor's cow. Did it give birth? Is the shamba boy still getting funny urges when they he touches the cow's
breasts jugs teets? That I assure you will make him flee so far and will possibly tell all other hawkers to avoid you. And no one will bother you the again.
But I digress ...
So, no. I will not be hawking the said wares. I will instead be bullying people to buy me some of them when the real hawkers, namely @vancemuriu and @mmnjug (I saw them discussing the 'strategy' for hawking their wares on twitter earlier) pass by me. And by extension, the funniest looking hawkers I will see during the Safaricom7s will be assumed to be these two. I will thus take pictures and put up them up online.
Back to the event info anyway. RRMs (Rumors Reaching Me) say security will be tight like a clenched
butt fist or a virg(shut Your Mouth) and I can enjoy a free shuttle ride to the stadium for gangs like mine who wish to park in the remote parking spots. I am thus crossing my fingers to get a seat next to a hot woman but preferably one without a mental condition and who will not ask to lick my juicy lollipop or blow my huge vuvuzela.
And please, GET YOUR MIND OFF THE GUTTER!
For those who will be going to the annual Safaricom7s therefore, see you there. I will not be responsible for
anyone anything I do as a result of the beer I will take that during the event. Gotta rush to Galito's now to pick up my ticket and hope I find @smusyoka there so that he can buy me pizza for trashing my name all over the TL this morning.