Visa na Mikasa ya Valentines Day
Valentines came and went and I am hoping you came too because I did not. It was one of the rare Valentines day that I spent by my lonesomeness for very many reasons that will not be discussed in this forum. And no, I wasn't on my periods as someone suggested yesterday.
Or may be I was?
That would explain the pimple that is right in the middle of my forehead. No worries anyway. That will be dealt with later. The day was however rather uneventful and it ended up being a just another wonderful normal day.
For me at least.
For many others, love had landed in bucketfuls and everyone was trying their hardest to impres. In the morning, I passed through town just to sample the kind of stuff that was going on.
Actually, to be honest, I was looking for douche-bags.
Valentines is the best time to check the migratory patterns of douche-bags. Ridicuolous dressing and funny gifts. I know. I was one of them on more than a few occasions during my younger years. Sometimes you take the wrong gift and the reaction is not what you had expected. When someone is disgusted and they are trying to smile, the result is like trying to spray deo on an open sewer. Even a douche will know they screwed up. And so the douche goes home wondering why they didnt just wrap a stray bullet and deliver it to the ungrateful
Moving on ...
Yesterday was a day of mixed returns for most people. Some had a great one and others had a horrible one. The people I fear most for are men who speak Nyenglish or, more importantly, men whose wives speak Nyenglish. For those who are vocabulary-challenged, Nyenglish is Nyeri English for people with Chinda ya matamuchi. There is a theory that goes, "The level of chinda ya matamuchi in women is directly proportional to the level of violence." To translate in bare-naked terms, the more che chrubs, the more che will beat the living daylights out of you. An no other issue would make your Nyenglish speaking woman beat you up like telling you come home with maua ya falentine and you fail to abide by that.
So am sure somewhere in Nyeri, a conversation like this one took place when the man came home after work,
Man : Habari ya nyina wa Kamau
Woman : *sneers* Mzuri. Wapi Maua?
Man : Ati maua?
Woman : *Slap* Kwani nimesema OMO?
Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa Kamau?
Woman : Nimekuuliza wapi maua!
Man : Eeee ... Nimesahau.
Woman : *Slap* Wapi? Hapa nje! *Slap* Umesahau wapi?
Man : Wuuui. Sasa ni nini? Si maua nitaleta siku nyingine?
Woman : Kesho? *Slap* Leo unajua ni siku gani?
Man: Eh, Ndio. Ni shoes-day
Woman : *Slap* Ati umesema nini?
Man : Woooi! Falentine! Falentine!
Woman : Na maua iko wapi?
Man : Eeeee.... Sikupata saa ya kwenda kununua
Woman : *Slap* Kwani ulikuwa unaenda kuchukua Kismayu? Eh?
Man : Sasa ni nini nyina wa kamau. Si nilikua na kazi mingi...
Woman : *Slap* Hata malaya hukuwa na free time! Kwani hii kazi kambuni yako wanafanya wanafanyianga kwa mgongo yako ati ukiinuka kazi itamwagika?
Man : Sio hivyo.
Woman : Na maua iko wapi?
Man : Sasa haki nyina wa Kamau unataka nifanye nini?
Woman : Mimi nataka maua sijui kama utapanda ukojolee mpaka imee. Nataka maua. Iko wapi maua yangu?
Man : Ngai, sasa na ni saa tano ya usiku nitatoa wapi?
Woman : *Slap* Unaniuliza mimi? Ushawahi niona nikiuza maua, eh? *Slap* Toka ulete maua! Jinga wewe!
That am sure happened to a poor soul.
Anyway, my day was just another ordinary work-day. My Valentine ended up being DSTV who brought me a beauty of an apron for my valentines gift delivered right to my office. Kiss the cook was the writing on the apron and am sure I will put it to good use. Any lady who comes to my house and wears the apron will suddenly become the recipient of suprise kisses from yours truly. Still have no idea how they got my number though but the gift is appreciated. Now all DSTV need to do is send me a gorgeous lady for my birthday and the gift will start the practical tests.
How was your valentines?