Kenya strikes oil. Oil threatens to retaliate.
President Keybaki announced Monday morning that Kenya has struck oil in Turkana, a district located about (1,2,3...21 ... Ummh, my projections fail me) kilometres North of Nairobi. While undressing journalists who included Jully Geychuru, Janet Mboo-gua, Lilly-ann Muli and Ann Keyguta, the President said the country’s elite stood to benefit immensely from striking the oil. He however pointed out that it would be about three years before any commercialisation took place.
He urged the people in power to take these three years to benefit themselves through corrupt land dealings and underhand tactics to secure contracts tagged to the project. He further urged ordinary Kenyans to wait for about ten years to feel the effects of the discovery because it has to pass through many stages including further exploration, construction of infrastructure, marketing and refining through the digestive system of fat cats who are known to retain most of anything that they touch.
Following the announcement, Fat Cats held a separate briefing to announce they were abandoning milk as their staple drink and substituting it with oil. The head of the Fat Cats organization was quoted as saying, “Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow!” which translated by a not-so-fat-cat is, “Fuck Kenyans, The oil is ours!”
The president however reacted angrily to a question by a chocking Raw-butt Nangila who wanted to know if the type of oil discovered was baby oil as he rubbed his hands excitedly. The President answered the handwanking journalist by using statements we couldn't quite understand but included words like bure, mavi ya bata mzinga (the Presidents kuku was eaten by his watchie) and Hakuna haja or something of the sort.
However, immediately after the announcement, oil threatened to retaliate what it termed as an unprovoked attack. Speaking from the newly opened Mwangi and Wairimu Hotel, a spokesman for Oil said, “Kenya invaded Somali just the other day and now strikes us with no provocation. We request the American govt to help us by sending troops to Kenya to deal with them. What did we do for them to strike us?” The American government is known to attack any country that strikes oil. Recent Oil strikes by Uganda led to retaliation by the American Government in an operation called, “Let’s Kony Uganda of its Oil” that started soon after the Oil strike.
An American government spokesperson had this to say. “The American govt stands for freedom from striking of oil. Anyone who strikes oil will be struck right back by us. Oil is a very delicate member of the world community and we cannot allow anyone to strike it at will. We must protect it at all costs.”
Any such attacks are however going to be met by stiff resistance by the “newly indigenous” community in the region, the Kikuyu. They own about 95% of the land in Turkana which has been termed as an “astonishing development” by what the Kikuyu termed as an “imposter indigenous community” called the Turkana who, as records indicate, owned all the land till just a few minutes after the morning announcement. The Kikuyus said they would fight to the death to protect the land of their cash-cestors from both local and international threats. “Turokana ni kwetu. Mbiachara sangu hapa ni nyinge! Ngai, Waambie wajaribu. We willo get reinforcements from Nyiri. Our special forces called Momo cia nyeri simewangoja,” said an enraged businessman, Mr. Kamau.
It is therefore a volatile issue that can only be given time to see how it will unfold. However, whichever way it unfolds, the President will continue to undress journalists in various new briefs.
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