Massive Earthquake Strikes Nairobi
Kenya was this morning hit by a major earthquake that measured 9.8 OMGs on the Social media scale. The massive quake that struck shortly after 5 O'clock caused widespread damage of sleeping patterns and enhancement of sexual performance for persons involved in the act. Property worth about Ksh 2.50 was completely destroyed. The quake also caused typos of massive proportions for people who were unfortunate enough to be caught typing at the time. This has led to reinforcements being brought in by the Grammar Police in a bid to correct all the typos and bring the Social Media Scene back to some level of Sanity.
The quake was felt over a large area of Kenya and residents of neighbouring countries including Rongai also reported feeling the massive earthquake. Rongai, which was the epicentre of the quake, reported widespread interruption of sleep infrastructure and morning glory sessions. The GoR (Government Of Rongai) however took issue with the way Nairobi residents took over coverage of the event when it was clear that the epicenter was in its territorial game reserve. They immediately held a press conference to protest the gross violation of their sovereignty.
"We have placed the Rongai defence forces on high alert following the quake. We would like the Kenyan government to apologize to the people of Rongai for claiming our territorial quake as their own. Failure to that, we will take military action," said Major Chillchill, an immigrant from Kenya. "It is unfortunate that the Kenyan people are taking this catastrophe to attract world attention and boost their tourism industry while we all know the game parks their tourists come to are within the borders of The People's Republic of Rongai"
The Kenyan government has not yet responded to the threat but the fiercesome Rongai Defence forces may encourage them to do so. Rongai has a massive defence force that consists of six game rangers, hundreds of fierce wild animals including the dreaded F16 vultures and a few dozen monkeys. The dreaded monkeys are used in sting operations revolving mainly around stealing food from residents and crossing the road at very short notice, a tactic the Government of Rongai uses to test the competence of its drivers.
But in a twist to the story, Al Shabaab militias claimed responsibility for the quake. They said they had realized grenades were not working as well as they had hoped and had resorted to quakes which will be delivered by suicide booty shakers. "This is just the first of many attacks. More will obviously follow," said an Al Shabaab spokesperson from his house in Eastleigh. "We will be attacking Kenyans with quakes and waking them up each morning until the government withdraws. They have been inside Somali for too long without coming and we think they should withdraw!"
News of the quake broke on twitter minutes after and the government has sent out a quake warning to Facebook users who are scheduled to experience the quake by early next week. A commission of enquiry has already been formed to investigate the cause of the quake. The government has warned that its findings will never be released. The commission said they will leave no stone unturned - something already done by the quake - until they find the truth behind the who issue.
We will continue to report the effects of this quake in coming days.