Mission Impossible 5 - Condoms Protocol
Why on earth do people fear buying condoms? I thought by now those are not things you should be afraid to buy. If anything, you should walk with that bounce in your stride because you have scored.
I saw a guy yesterday buying condoms like drugs. He was sweating and looking around like he was afraid of getting caught by a dealer he owes money. The idiot in me of course burst out in laughter. I wondered why, if he was that scared, he chose a supermarket, during peak hours! I actually noted on twitter that the way he was behaving, you'd think he is a junkie, the attendant a drug dealer and on-lookers the freaking police. You would think, instead of being happy he was being safe, he was behaving like he was buying a freaking STD that came with a buy one get one free offer!
It is not a big deal really -buying condoms I mean. Or may be I am the weird one. I buy them in the supermarket and then look for a female attendant just to see her reaction. Who knows, she may be on a serious dry spell and I might score a warm up match before I head on to my main game! Unless of course we play for the same team and all I would score is a cheer leader who would undoubtedly boo me in case I underperform.
Having been an attendant at my family general merchandise shop at one point, I know how much trouble people go through to buy condoms. I have seen people without any speech problems suddenly stutter through just the handful of words they need to ask for condoms. Therefore, I have decided to put them in categories just for fun to help men gauge where they lie.
1) The Junkie - Text book case was the guy I saw yesterday. These guys buy condoms like they are illegal and the freaking boxes have GPS trackers installed. The guys sweat and fidget all through the shopping experience and once they are done, even Kenya's famed marathon runners wouldn't catch them as they speed off. Icing on the cake would be getting stood up after all this trouble.
2) The Chameleons - These shoppers buy condoms together with a gazillion things they dont need in a bid to hide the condoms. Dont be suprised if the basket has popcorn, bananas, tissue paper, 4 loaves of bread, pliers, christmas cards (in April) and three boxes of condoms at the bottom.
3) Fake Phone Call - This is always a gem to watch, guy walks in talking serious stuff on the phone, halts for a moment to ask for condoms, talks loudly all through the shopping experience and then leaves. The phone call miraculously ends once you are done serving him.
4) Mr Stiff Neck - They get into the outlet of choice, zero in on the target, ask for condoms and dont look at anyone else during the entire ceremony. Once they have them, they turn like soldiers and match out without laying their eyes on any other section of the outlet other than the door.
5) Mr Chatterbox - Talks too much, makes jokes and laughs a lot while dropping the words, "Nipe packet ya Condoms" (Give me a packet of condoms) inside a whole load of other words and laughter. He will do this until you hear it and the moment he gets them, his speech governor suddenly starts working and the idiot shuts up and leaves.
6) Proud Bull - Gets in, casually asks for condoms, checks the brands, complains about lack of his favourite if unavailable and takes his sweet time through the whole experience. These ones are so confident that they freak out attendants.
7) The whisperer - They love kiosks and chemists. I have seen enough of these ones. They circle the target like vultures to make sure no one is there and then they rush in and whisper what they want. There is a priceless look they carry when, after all the intelligence gathering and black ops sheninanigans, you tell them condoms are out of stock!
8) A friend in need - These are the bagas who are always in a crisis. Instead of buying, they wait to know you are in town and request you to bring them some. The extreme version of this guy is the kind that knocks on your door asking if you have any left - with the girl already in the house. I will start saving empty plastic grocery wrapping paperbags for these kind of men.
So which other types have you seen out there?