The New Hunger Hotline ...
I believe to become a Minister for Special Programmes in Kenya, you have to be an alumni of a 'special' school for 'special' people. That would of course explain why one Hon. Esther Murugi decided to launch an emergency hotline for victims of famine. I dont know how hungry people are supposed to be helped over the phone. This is what (I think) you will hear when you call the HUNGER HOTLINE.
Thank you for calling the Hunger Hotline. We would like to notify you that we may not be able to offer you food over the phone but we can give you words of encouragement and of course spiritual nourishment. If you are afraid of starving to death, we may also help you by feeding you the usual government bullshit that will at least make you die of boredom.
Also note that based on the number of hungry people in this country, you may be on the phone long enough to die of natural causes so hunger is the least of your problems.
For English press 1, for Kiswahili, press 2. For other languages, please hang up and call the language specific numbers that no one actually picks up.
If you are hungry because you dont know how to cook or dont have anything to cook, press 3. A list of markets and recipes will be availed to you.
For relief supplies, please press the star button then leave your name and number and we will put your name on a waiting list as we await the next shipment from Aid donors like China. We also hope your local chief wont sell your food when it finally gets here.
To sell your dying livestock, please call the Kenya Meat Commission. On second thought, please eat some of them as you await the ship to get to the port. We will pay you the value of the animals immedietly after resettling IDPs.
To talk to a representative from the HUNGER HOTLINE, please hold on to the line. We urge you not to collapse or die while holding on to the line. A hunger management assistant will attend to you shortly.
To learn how to eat less, you may listen to a tutorial that trains you on how to keep food in the stomach for longer by pressing 9. Its from a book called "A simple way to make food stay in your stomach by granting it abdominal citizenship" by Alfred Mutua.
If you have been waiting to talk to a representative from the hunger hotline for longer than one hour, please hang up and try again later. These lines are manned by government employees who may of course be attending to other personal businesses or may be absent all together.