Letter From Lion To Tourists
Dear Visitors To My Jungle;
I wanted to start this letter with a roar but that wont have the desired effect in writing of making you suprise your pants with fluid and maybe semi solid stuff. Thus, let me use something you might understand better. I will chase you, kill you and eat you. I will make you know why they call me the King of the Jungle. I am tired of your lack of respect for my Kingdom. You cannot just walk around my jungle, make noise and sometimes lower your pants and then squat so that your behind can have a conversation with the grass with your ass talking nothing but shit. So be warned that I will chase you and eat you if you come to my Kingdom again.
First and foremost, how would you feel if someone keeps driving right through your yard every day and hiding behind a scanty bush to STARE at you and HOPE you cannot see them? I live there for crying out loud. I know how the freaking bushes look like without a green, long chasis trooper hiding behind it with torsos wearing Jambo Kenya T-shirts emerging from its belly! Whoever gave you the idea that you cannot be seen was definitely high on weed or really needed to have adult relations in hiding with a female, the way you humans do.
Seriously, would you NOT notice me if I came and hid behind your flowers as you relaxed on a sunny afternoon in your own yard?
It is especially funny that you come there with a roaring engine - albeit the fact that you try to drive slowly - and forget the biggest thing someone of your IQ would know. I AM A FREAKING CAT. A CAT. Wikipedia it. You will realize it means I have VERY GOOD hearing. Even if you bought fluffy featherly tyres for your car, I'll still hear you coming. Unless of course am farting which I hide by roaring. Yes, I do because you people film EVERYTHING and it would be very embarassing if you film a KING taking a fart.
But in the event I take one without a roar and you film it, Mark my words, I WILL EAT YOU!
It has also come to my notice that you have a load of money to waste for paying to come all the way across the world to see me. For me to get to your world, I would have to be chased and hit with a tranquilizer gun (thats not funny by the way, game wardens. Shooting a King in the ass is being plain disrespectful) After that, you have to put me in a metal cage and forcifully transport me to your world where you'd have to cage me lest I turn your rear end into a meal.
You on the other hand come here voluntarily and pay LOADS of money to see me. Think of it this way. I appreciate I have an IQ way lower than you humans. I am dumber than the dumbest human out there. But you dont see me PAYING to come see you, do you? Would you pay to see a dumb human? No? That's what am talking about. No wonder you guys get fascinated when monkeys clap yet that is something you can do effortlessly without a monkey getting excited about it! And you even make a video about it.
Speaking of videos, what the hell is your obsession with cameras? Do you come here to see me or take photos to go brag to your friends with? Why would you stalk and take photographs of me all day while I pretend not to take notice? You then go and put the pictures on the net and videos on YouTube. That YouTube thing is the one that will actually make me eat you. You film me walking, pooping, yawning and even when licking my privates. How sick are you? Not to mention filming me when making love to my beautiful wives? I especially hate the fact that you filmed me making love to Rosie, the youngest. She is my brother's daughter and when he sees it, he will go ballistic! He'll pluck my balls off and I guess I have you to thank for it.
Not to mention my kids are currently traumatized after watching a film of their own conception!
Mark my words, I WILL EAT YOU! Just you wait and see.
Lion - King, Jungle
PS: Please dont eat loads of pepper when coming to the park. I dont like my meat spicy.