Hey! That is NOT my fart.
A drunk guy heard Chris Martins' Cheaters Prayer on Saturday morning and what followed had me laughing hysterically. I had just left the house a few minutes earlier on my way to the bank just around my neighborhood. Just a few meters past my place, I spotted the drunk guy. It was minutes past eight o'clock so people were giving him curious looks. The drunk guy cared less. On walking a few meters forward with the drunk guy in tow muttering incomprehensible words, I heard Chris Martin's song start playing at one of the nearby business outlets. No sooner had it started than I saw him suddenly speed past me. Immediately, he grabbed a lady close to him - to her obvious surprise - and started belting Cheaters' Prayer from the bottom of his heart.
"Usiniguse!" protested the lady using the one word that tells you a lady finds you extremely disgusting at that point in time. The drunk guy has however not read the "How To Interpret Various Words From Women - The complete idiot edition" as yet. The drunk man went on and on. The more the lady resisted, the more it looked like they were actually a fighting couple. Threats started flying around but the drunk man did not give up. He continued singing to his new found love for a good minute or more before the embarrased lady finally broke free. I walked away with my morning already made, still giggling sheepishly.
Little did I know the god of embarrassment was having my name on his to do list as well.
I got to the ATM and I waited outside because someone else was already inside. I could see through the glass wall that the other machine was not working so I had to wait. When the guy realized there was someone waiting outside, he hurriedly concluded his business and left even more hastily. I didn't immediately know why he did so but I cared less. Why he was in a hurry at that point meant nothing to me because I was in a hurry too. The only thought to cross my mind was that I thought he was a thief. On getting inside, I realized he was a thief alright - of fresh air. The baga had farted and left the very invasive gases doing an Al Shabaab on my nostrils.
There I was, gasping for air. I looked around to catch a glimpse of the culprit but he was long gone. I needed money so I decided to do a quick withdrawal and leave before I died in the artificial gas chamber I was in. I was nearly done in under a minute but as the machine dispensed the money, I noticed someone standing outside. Soon another. By the time I was done, there were about five people waiting.
That is when a number of things hit me.
One, the ATM was smelling like a sewer. Two, I knew the guy who did it. Three, the guys outside did not have this information. I was the only guy inside, and there was no one else they saw leaving. There was no way of convincing them out wasn't me. There was only one way to leave. Stone-faced and fast as a guy caught by a bouncer screwing his wife. Being light does NOT help in situations that need you to look cool, calm and collected. I was sure I was already looking a little flushed and red.
But I had to leave.
And so I did. Fast - yet sure the next person had definitely thought it was me. The good part is - I doubt the guys outside had a good look at me. The bad news is - the lady who got in after me did. The ugly part is, that is my hood and if she did have a good look at me, I am permanently known in her books as Jamaa wa kushuta kwa ATM! May the idiot whose fart got blamed on me get the infestation of flees from a thousand camels on his balls. FML!